February 10, 2026. The day I realized that our lives would never be the same again.

After 60 days of losing your physical presence here on this earth, I just wish I could have 5 minutes to talk to you. I miss being able to gaze in your eyes. I miss being able to speak a thousand miles per hour downloading my day with you. I miss your calming reassurance. I miss having you hold my hand. I miss having my literal and metaphorical soft place to land.

Life without you feels lonely… eerily quiet… melancholy… at times overwhelming… at times scary. I never imagined life without you and here I am attempting to live without you.

In the last week our washing machine died and I caught a flat tire yesterday between work & picking up Amelia from school. Thankfully the village stepped in and the car now has a new tire. The moment I stepped out of the car and saw the flat tire, it was almost muscle memory that made me almost call you. When it came to showing up, you never wavered. I moved through this world with a certain reassurance and with a sense of comfort because I knew that no matter what you had me. Staring at that flat tire and just before calling your phone, I remembered that I could not call you and a waive of sadness hit me because I could not call you. It feels so unfair. It makes me angry. It hurts.

Losing you has illuminated just how deeply you showed your love for me. You shared the weight of life, took so much off of my plate and made coming home to you or waiting for you to return home something I looked forward to. Over the last 60 days I have been trying to be really intentional about having things to look forward to. The Cardi B. Concert (thanks to my cousin Kristin), the New Edition/Boyz II Men/Toni Braxton Concert (thanks to my high school bestie Jernell for going with me and dealing with the few moments that I absolutely ugly cried including the moment they sang “One Sweet Day” and “End of the Road.”), my former boss who brought lasagna and joined Amelia and I for dinner, planning Amelia’s 5th birthday celebration next weekend, are all moments of micro joy that are helping me deal with this macro grief.

I’ve been scrolling through our shared “places to go list” because it’s another reminder of what I’ve loss. We had so many plans and so much that we were planning to do together.

Amelia & I did do our first counseling session. I am grateful to have the resources to be able to access counseling.

I’ve almost completed my first scrapbook. One of the things that I can’t get off my mind is just how precious and fragile life truly is. I’ve experienced the loss of loved ones before but I’ve never had to deal with losing someone I lived with. Every part of our lives was intertwined. There isn’t anything that I look at that I doesn’t remind me of Cam. Like walking past & laying next to his side of the bed. There isn’t anything that I hear that doesn’t remind me of Cam. Listening to chopped and screwed music to The Weeknd. The kitchen was his zone… so everything in the kitchen reminds me of him. I can literally hear him coaching me through trying to cook all of our meals now. I find myself chasing the flavor profiles he introduced me to.

When people ask “how am I?” The honest response is “we’re making our way.” We are living an experience we did not and would not choose and we have no control or ability to go back to the way things were. We went to church on Easter Sunday & Amelia asked “Can we just pray so that daddy can come back?” Sometimes in trying to help her understand and process, it is both encouraging that she doesn’t understand the permanence but also heartbreaking because she doesn’t understand the permanence. I am learning to make peace with multiple things being true at the same time. I’m learning to observe but not absorb. I’m learning to acknowledge but not occupy. I’m learning to listen to all of my senses and to use those as cues to honor what I need and to continue to make my way through and mother my baby through this new reality and new experience.

This evening, Amelia and I had a chance to watch the Artemis II astronaut crew land after taking a trip around the moon, having gone farther than any human being has ever gone. I couldn’t help but wonder if they were any closer to where you are. I sure hope so and I hope that the prayers, the love and memories that we have are traveling to wherever you are in the universe. I miss you babe!