30 Days Without You My Love
30 days ago, February 7, 2026, was the last time I saw the love of my life, Camron Draper alive.
In the days that followed that day, my life became a living nightmare. For as long as I can remember, the written word has been my preferred way to process my experiences so in addition to my journals - I am using this space to process and to share. Some part of me hopes that Cam has access to wifi and that he can receive these messages.
The moment I realized Cam was gone, after my legs gave out, the first thing that changed for me was my relationship to time:
I lost track of what day or date it was
The minutes melted into the hours and the hours merged into the days
I found myself clinging to the past, dreading the future (for the first time in my life) and I had a hard embodying the present because this was not the present that I wanted to occupy.
Camron without a shadow of a doubt was my person. With him I experienced the highest of the highs. With him I experienced so many firsts. He was the human I felt the safest with and he loved every part of me without judgment, without expectation and with the ability to inspire me to keep moving closer to a better version of myself. I felt the same for him. The connection that we had was at the cellular level. I felt like our relationship was cosmic. It was enduring. It was restorative. It was regenerative. It was built to last.
With him I met a new version of myself - the mother.
After experiencing five miscarriages in other relationships, I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to have children. When we first got back together we spoke about it and pretty quickly decided that while we wouldn’t actively try to get pregnant, we wouldn’t be upset if we did get pregnant. Needless to say this approach was the right approach for us because 18 months after we got back together we found out we were expecting our little bundle of joy. Once we found out, we were both ecstatic because we didn’t want to burden each other with the pressure of trying to conceive, but we both secretly hoped that we’d be able to co-produce a life together. God was on our side because in August of 2020, we found out we were expecting.
Camron approached our pregnancy like he did all other things when it came to me - with attention to detail, with tenderness and with optimistic excitement.
It is not lost on me that this second round of our relationship lasted seven years. Round one was in high school and we were together three years that first time. All of this to say that when you count that 10 years together, Camron was my longest standing relationship and partner. One thing I know for sure, is that if I have the opportunity to spin the block with him again, I’d do so without hesitation and without question in this lifetime, any future timeline, or any other galaxy. I hope and pray that our paths cross again and that the familiarity, deep commitment and sense of knowing manifests itself again for us.
Over the last 30 days I’ve experienced so many emotions - shock, anger, rage, fear, absent-mindedness but the emotion that I’ve spent the most time with is loneliness. Cam and I had so many plans and as a middle aged woman, we had mapped out the next 5, 10, 20, 30 years of our lives together. We had just registered our baby girl for Kindergarten and were looking forward to supporting our “school-ager.” The first holiday without Cam - Valentine’s Day came and it went. My sweet high school bestie bought me a bouquet and came over for drinks. I am so grateful for her, because all I could think about was how much Cam spoiled me, especially on holidays, and he was also a “just because I love you” kind of guy, so it actually didn’t matter the day - he always found ways to make me feel seen, heard and valued.
As a mom to a 4-year-old, I feel like I am just beginning my journey as a mother and adjusting to being a single parent unexpectedly was certainly not in the plan. Thankfully others have stepped up to support me, but it has been such a challenge to help our baby girl understand the permanent nature of her dad’s physical death, to keep myself regulated as I support her on this unfortunate path and to try to keep moving. “Moving forward” is a term that I am just not ready to use, because you can’t really “move forward” when there is such a major loss like this. We are certainly moving, but the jury is still out on what we are moving toward.
I did take a really important step today. I initiated the process to get family counseling for Amelia & I together because one thing that I know that is important is that we prioritize healthy ways to exist in this new reality. We should be hearing back from our counselor within 48 hours and then we’ll start our in person sessions shortly after that.
Cam - wherever you are my love, I pray that the last 30 days haven’t been as traumatic for you as they were for us. I know that you have now joined the ancestors and I pray that you were welcomed and celebrated for the impact you had during your time here on this earth. I pray that you did not experience any pain and I pray that you have some visibility and connection to us here. Actually, I know that you have a connection to us here because you called me. We’ll have to talk more about that when we have the opportunity to. I miss you so much… I love you so much… We love you so much. Keep protecting us, keep a watchful eye over our baby girl. Oh, and I’ll continue to write to you in my journal!