Shorty is Forty - First 20 jewels
I am sitting here in complete awe that in 48 hours, I will be 40 years old. I am really feeling 40 in all the ways. This week I had the sudden urge to start searching for a new signature fragrance, I definitely spent way too much on the perfect probiotic and while laying on my couch with my feet elevated tonight I noticed that my feet were hurting real bad, but can’t tell you why?! 🥴.
When I had my daughter almost 3 years ago, I started feeling the weight of my words. They felt so much heavier. My life had to adjust to the change in cabin pressure as everything just felt so much more combustible and the stakes of all of my choices and decisions felt high roller-esque. I’ve always felt everything deeply and I’ve welcomed that. It’s why I’ve never been interested in drugs because I WANT to feel it all.
This love and passion for writing has been such a gift for me. I know I can always save sacred space and hold court with myself on a blank page or in this case on the screen. So I want to take this opportunity in celebration of 40 years to share 40 jewels. I’m dedicating this to my crown jewel - my baby girl, Amelia. I can’t wait until she reads this on her 40th birthday.
Part 1: 1 - 20
IN Love
1. The healthiest love is rooted in mutual care and affirmation. This is something that I’ve always known but did not believe. I believed that I could love someone into caring for and affirming me. I believed that if I sacrificed enough, those who I cared for would eventually meet me in the middle. Love for some is a weapon and whenever love is weaponized - someone’s heart gets broken. Mutual care and affirmation for me is the baseline of all of my personal relationships.
2. Don’t wait for someone else to love you, love yourself the way you need to be loved. I date myself. I give myself the things that I need. I hold space for myself. I truly do believe that people treat us the way they see we treat ourselves (or the way they observe how others treat us).
3. You can always make another choice. I’ve been married twice. I’ve been divorced twice. At one point I thought that I would never get married again. I’m open and dare I even say hopeful, that I’ll get married again. I’ve was a different wife each time I got married. The thing about me though, is that if it’s not working, I will do my best to try to work it out, but if I reach the point where it’s either unhealthy or I don’t see a positive path forward - I’m out. More importantly, I’m not afraid to make another choice. It’s always worked out in my favor.
4. Love requires time. To be in relationship with others is to invest in and nurture that relationship. How we spend our time is reflective of who or what we love.
5. Heartbreak isn’t something that you completely heal from. Trauma is something that changes you. In my experience, you never completely get over heartbreak or trauma. I’ve spent a lot of time in my life attempting to GET OVER certain things that have happened for me. Notice I said, FOR. Healing is about removing the sting. It is about stopping the bleeding. It is about being able to recognize when we are operating from our trauma and having tools and internal resources to operate from our higher and better selves.
Health IS WEALTH
6. Identify the part of your body that you feel most comfortable operating in (spirit, heart, mind, body) and try to consciously and intentionally operate from other places. I am most comfortable operating in my mind, so I spend a lot of time THINKING and RATIONALIZING things. I will often consciously move into my body and try to be present there and allow my body to control my behavior and my actions. This may mean physically getting up and walking away. This may mean breathing exercises.
7. Stress kills. I have to take high blood pressure medication and I attribute this to chronic and prolonged stress during a certain period of my life. A doctor once told me to make changes in my life or prepare to have a stroke or heart attack.
8. Your pain is valid. One thing I’ve learned from witnessing my mom’s journey with Stage 4 lung cancer, is that no one has a right to tell you how you feel. Early detection is key and my mom knew something was wrong with her long before her diagnosis, but her doctor’s minimized her pain and frankly misdiagnosed her before she found a doctor who took more time, listened to her and got her the right diagnostic tests that identified the cancer.
9. Your needs matter. I spent a lot of my life putting other people’s needs before my own. I also often felt guilty for wanting what I wanted. I still struggle sometimes with guilt for wanting certain things or experiences. I’ve actually recently started therapy (for the first time in my life) to further process this.
10. Go to the doctor. If you feel sick, unlike yourself, whatever, just go to the doctor. Let the professionals support you in living your best life.
Biggest Regrets MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
11. Having two courthouse weddings. I compromised out of fear that I’d lose my partners at that time. No real effort went into a proposal. This is another example of wishing I prioritized my desires.
12. Not studying abroad in college. I wish that I had taken advantage of studying abroad.
13. Not going all the way through to finish my education through the Ph.D. level. People always said that once you stop, it’s hard to go back. I was not receptive to that wisdom and wish I would have just went all the way through. I am now considering going back, but with a toddler and an intense work schedule, it’s going to be a little more challenging (and expensive) to earn my doctorate now, rather than 20 years ago, when I could have just knocked it all out back to back.
14. Not saving more money. I’ve always contributed to a 401K and I’ve always saved money, but now that I am “mid-life” or midway through the traditional professional years, I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do to build more wealth and prepare for retirement. I probably could have at least doubled what I’ve done so far.
15. Not spending as much time with my dad before he passed away. I have so many questions and wish that I would have prioritized more time with him, especially as an adult.
ON PURPOSE (WORK)
16. Pursue a career that is what you want to do, not what you have to do. I am so grateful that from 12 - 18 years old, I worked jobs that I had to work. From 18 on, I have been blessed to be able to do work that was personally fulfilling for me and that I LOVE doing. This is my biggest hope for my daughter, that she can do work that she wants to do and that she has the opportunities, the resources and the capacity to pursue her dreams - whatever they are.
17. Don’t burn bridges as you never know what the future holds. I am proud to say that I could return to almost all of the jobs that I’ve ever worked, because I was just as intentional about how things ended, as I was when I started. I have also built a strong network of many people who were former coworkers or bosses, because I believe in integrity and I believe in helping others.
18. Learn how power operates. White supremacist culture. Capitalism. Misogyny. Anti-blackness. Through both my lived experience and a lifetime of really studying the history of these frameworks, I have learned to identify the characteristics and practices AND to navigate these frameworks. I think of these systems like viruses. One of the best ways to get rid of a virus is to simulate it. It is equally important to study other frameworks and I’ve done that too.
19. Take up space. Learn your strengths and be strong, bold and courageous in those strengths. I’ve taken a lot of risks and on the other side of those risks has been great rewards and/or great lessons.
20. Leave the door open (but not in the Bruno Mars way lol). If you are the first, or the only, be intentional about inviting, sponsoring, affirming and supporting others like you. That could be based on skin color, gender, age, lived experiences, your alma mater, etc. I believe in sharing information and resources with others and sharing my wisdom and experiences as I it is always my hope to both replicate and to ultimately replace myself with other people who have similar values.
Check out part 2 of this series!